we popped popcorn and made chocolate milk

as a midnight snack before the clock even midnighted
talking about dad having a heart attack a few days ago
and what it’s like doing DMT at sixteen like it’s not weird
to do psychedelics in a breastfeeding stall
at an outdoor mall
in the San Fernando Valley

how was I to parent a brother that is half mine
hoping his puberty mind has never thought of suicide

my attempt:
to contemplate the stakes of fearing life and death
over the glass we continue to pass
smoking silly and laughing sideways
our little knowledge of the unknowings

I dance in the kitchen around a marble island
fruit bowl off-center, ready to spin
my chest heavy at the thought I’ve been trying to shake:
what if that was the last time he called me sweetheart